i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When are your genitals available?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
