go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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