question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
