One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
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