I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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