5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
