The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
