my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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