so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
