can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
