Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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