I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
