how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
