You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
