Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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