She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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