So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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