If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
