dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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