i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
