I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
