Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
