I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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