My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize