What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
