god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
