Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
