I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
