everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
