If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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