btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
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i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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