i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She said her name was "party"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
