Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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