he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
