I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want her autograph on my taint
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
