It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
