My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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