I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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