WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
