It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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