i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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