I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize
