the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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