Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
