Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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