It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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