Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
