I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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