how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Mom said you looked used
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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