My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
