His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
whose parrot is this?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
