when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
