I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
