Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
