Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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