Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
