i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
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When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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