Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
