I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
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he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
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Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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