3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
